Looking Out My Back Door

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I forgot the promised update to the 90th birthday luncheon. Overall, it turned out okay, but the evil, rotten branch of the family (henceforth, GGG&J) managed to cause a few uncomfortable moments.

To refresh your memory, this was held the day after torrential rainstorms hit the tri-state area. Oh, good, thought I, GGG&J won't make it. Ha. Remember what I said about the allure of a free meal? Those bastards would have swum the Long Island Sound if need be.

The deal was that P and I would meet at the restaurant a half hour early to set up balloons, place settings, and so forth. M (already at my grandmother's house) was tasked with getting her there. My "aunt" J and I arrived at the restaurant early, as we'd left plenty of time to deal with potential bad traffic, slippery leaves, and so forth. After parking, I grabbed her arm and hissed, "DUCK! The bastards are here!" We hid behind a red van and I pointed out the car filled with evil GGG&J. They were 45 minutes early. No doubt they thought there would be a complimentary bar they could cozy up to. Ha. Took care of that option, as in there was none. Since half of the evil group were geriatric, it took them a while to sleaze their way to the restaurant. I was furiously dialing P on my cellphone. "They're here." "Who?" "The bastards." "NO!" "Fuck, yes, and J and I are hiding behind a red van in the parking lot." After hilarity ensued, P and N pulled into the lot, and J and I scampered over to their car. N was a bit snarly, but who could blame him? We picked up all the balloons and stuff and made our way to the restaurant, past GGG&J, who were lurking outside the (surprise) bar.

Since my name was on all the paperwork, Herman, our headwaiter, presumed I was in charge. He asked me about refilling the wine carafes should they beome empty, and we agreed he would check with me first. I indicated the group of lowlifes and said, "They're the reason we're being careful about the drinking, and look who showed up early!" The four of us set up the balloons and the place cards, and then the leeches decided to join us. Grrr. I did my best to snub them. G, my grandmother's twit of a sister, kept going on and on about how she was up all night worrying about the weather. She thought of calling to see if the party had been cancelled. I looked her straight in the cataract and said, "Non-refundable deposit. Party going on as scheduled." Naturally, one of them went straight over to the table where the beverages were set up and took one of the carafes of red wine down to their end of the table. Ha, thought I, don't drink it so fast, losers. Fortunately, the invited guests started trickling in, so it was easier to snub the undesirables.

We expected the birthday girl to show up at 2:15, the appointed time for her arrival. Since M was in charge of getting her there, that was a bit foolish. Really foolish. They got there around 2:45. Herman had already taken the food orders. However, my grandmother was pleasantly surprised by the gathering, and that's really all that matters. (She did complain to me later that she'd been seated next to her sister, but I said, "Hey, she's YOUR sister. Too bad!")

The service and the food were both very good, and things passed along peacefully. My cousin M (normally my partner in family dinner crime, but I was instructed to behave as I was a co-host) tried to start me up by making airplanes out of the place cards, but I didn't cave. (I have Thanksgiving dinner coming up, where M and I normally are up to no good, usually shooting rubber bands and throwing peas at the other guests, so I kept that in mind.) Naturally, that carafe of red wine down by GGG&J emptied out, and they actually came down to our end and took the dregs that remained in ours. Not much damage was done to the carafes of white wine, which I would take as a sign if I ever planned to have this group together again, but since I do not, I don't much care.

A beautiful carrot cake was brought out for the birthday girl, which pleased her no end. Unfortunately, no one had remembered to bring a camera (well, M did, but his girlfriend, A, had stolen a battery out of it, so it was a moot point). That was a shame, but we finished the meal without incident and without photographs.

Here's the punch line: nowhere among the pile of cards and gifts brought for my grandmother was there anything at all from GGG&J. Not so much as a card. Freeloading bastards. Well, I consoled myself with the fact that I will never have to see them again. P reminded me about future family funerals, and I said, "I'm not going." I also consoled myself later with a massage administered by Jennifer of the Magic Hands, a bottle of good red wine, and pleasant thoughts of funerals (specifically, those for GGG&J) I would not be attending.

posted by Hopster @ 12:43 PM